The Epic History of Mountain Dew

More epic than the Creation
More epic than the Trojan War
This tale that I will tell you
Is epic to the core
The only thing more epic
Than castles or World War 2
Is the epic, magical discovery
Of a drink called Mountain Dew

A really, really, long time ago
In the midst of misty mountain peaks
A weary, crafty traveler
Was looking for a drink
He ran into a magical, mystical, magnanimous fountain
An endearing, enduring, emerald fountain
Not knowing where he was
He found it awful quaint
To find this lovely fountain
In the middle of a cave
Little did he know he was in the Hall of the Mountain King
But not knowing any better he drank out of the spring
The elixir it was heavenly, an ecstasy of taste
He fell in love at once and pulled the fountain to his waist
He found the fountain movable, its source not from the ground
The fountain made the drink itself, this the traveler did astound
And so he decided to steal it, but before he could take his leave
The Mountain King caught up with him and grabbed him by the sleeve

“Foolish mortal you will not be taking this away
For daring to drink from my fountain with your life you must now pay
I will pull out all your innards and make you scream and cry
And then I’ll eat you for dinner, your flesh will nicely fry”

“No you will not eat me, nor take my life this day
To settle this trifling matter a game I’d like to play
Yes you guessed it you stupid oaf, it’s in all epic quests
The game it is a riddle, your knowledge it will test”

“Well you’ve got me there, I should have seen it coming
And just like all other epic foes I’ll now brag of my cunning
I will solve your silly riddle and put you to great shame
And then I’ll take my fountain back and your life I will also claim”

 

“One more thing dear Mountain King, I should let you know
No epic hero has ever lost a riddle to his foe
I do not want to doom you, you could just let me take the drink
Besides it is a doozy and I’d hate to make you think”

“I will not back down now, my pride it is too great
Now give me your riddle so your life I may take”

“Alright,” said our hero with a grin upon his face
“This riddle is my one way ticket out of this awful place”
*spoken*: Mountains will crumble and temples will fall
And no man can survive its endless call
What is it?

“Ha,” replied the Mountain King, a very clever rhyme
But the riddle is an easy one, the answer is clearly TIME”
Our traveler did not know what to do, the answer, that was it
All he could do was hang his head and say, “Oh shucks”

The Mountain King was overjoyed he fell laughing on the floor
He laughed so hard he fell asleep and then began to snore
Spoken:…ya, he thought it was lame too, don’t look at me like that!

And so the traveler took the fountain and left the mountain peaks
He went back to his village, a fortune he did seek
He named it Mountain Dew because it sounded really cool
Its tasty goodness made him rich and a kingdom he soon ruled
But in tradition of epic stories, he could not peacefully keep his thrown
A backstabbing friend killed him and took the fountain for his own
This treason started a civil war in the once so peaceful land
And many killed for the fountain, it passed from hand to hand

For centuries they fought for it, since before Jesus to the Crusades
Eventually it disappeared, its legend it did fade
But it was discovered again in Virginia in 1948
And people once again knew what it was like to drink something great

Now Mountain Dew is drunk in peace by masses far and wide
But many do not know that for its greatness many died
We take its carbonated awesomeness for granted, we do not understand
That Mountain Dew is from the gods and we are blessed to hold it in our hands
So go buy some Mountain Dew and contemplate the legend
Crack open a can and give a toast to our ancient traveler friend

Matt Ward